Sorry for this post. This is not what I planned for this blog, but it is what is going on in my heart right now. I guess I need somewhere to let it out.
The voluntary and complete abandonment of all hope of saving one’s soul and of having the means required for that end. -Catholic Encyclopedia
I’m feeling this today… despair. Not for my soul as the definition mentions, but at the moment I feel helpless to love.
I’ve been studying about the love that God showed me through Jesus, how He lived, how He spoke to people, how He desperately loved the people he came in contact with.
It’s even more amazing as I think about loving others the same way, and right now I don’t think I can. Am I abandoning hope? It’s voluntary, right? Well then, for some reason today, I’ve considered it. I just don’t know where to go from here.
How can I have the strength to love people who don’t love me? It takes so much out of me. It may be that I’m selfish. Or at least self-centered. Here comes the “I” statements…
I’ve been told I’ve been getting on a person’s nerves.
I mess things up more than I fix things.
I’m a failure in so many ways.
I really just don’t feel like I’m lovable.
While studying Jesus, He obviously loves imperfect people. He is the one that you can take all your failures to, and find an embrace instead of a stick. But who else is like that here on earth. I’m not. How can I expect others to be when I’m not… when I cannot.
I feel like abandoning any further effort, though the past effort has been anything but true effort.
Has anyone else gone through this in their walk, and if so, do you have any advice or encouragement as to what to do?