Despair

Sorry for this post. This is not what I planned for this blog, but it is what is going on in my heart right now. I guess I need somewhere to let it out.

The voluntary and complete abandonment of all hope of saving one’s soul and of having the means required for that end. -Catholic Encyclopedia

I’m feeling this today… despair. Not for my soul as the definition mentions, but at the moment I feel helpless to love.

I’ve been studying about the love that God showed me through Jesus, how He lived, how He spoke to people, how He desperately loved the people he came in contact with.

It’s even more amazing as I think about loving others the same way, and right now I don’t think I can. Am I abandoning hope? It’s voluntary, right? Well then, for some reason today, I’ve considered it.  I just don’t know where to go from here.

How can I have the strength to love people who don’t love me? It takes so much out of me. It may be that I’m selfish. Or at least self-centered. Here comes the “I” statements…

I’ve been told I’ve been getting on a person’s nerves.
I mess things up more than I fix things.
I’m a failure in so many ways.
I really just don’t feel like I’m lovable.

While studying Jesus, He obviously loves imperfect people. He is the one that you can take all your failures to, and find an embrace instead of a stick. But who else is like that here on earth. I’m not. How can I expect others to be when I’m not… when I cannot.

I feel like abandoning any further effort, though the past effort has been anything but true effort.

Has anyone else gone through this in their walk, and if so, do you have any advice or encouragement as to what to do?

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6 Responses to Despair

  1. Alan Knox says:

    Yes, I’ve felt like that… well, probably different, but similar.

    You said, “I feel like abandoning any further effort, though the past effort has been anything but true effort.” I understand that feeling as well. Perhaps, if you get to the point (and maybe you’re already there) that you begin to realize that God loves you even if you don’t “try again,” you may find it easier to love people regardless of their response. It was a long, hard lesson for me (and I’m still learning), but then I’m pretty stubborn.

    -Alan

  2. Alan,
    That is what is even more maddening about his. Jesus loves me whether I try again or not. I don’t see how I can love like that.

    I know this will be tough for me because, well for one, I have always been one who seeks the approval of others. I want to be loved by everyone, especially the ones close to me, but still, everyone.

    When I’m not, it gets to me. Lately I’ve been having to deal with really close friends and family NOT loving me. Actually describing me as uncaring, annoying, etc., and then also seeing for myself where I’ve been foolish, ignorant, selfish, cruel.

    I woke up this morning even more amazed at God’s love. And thankful. But how do you just focus on that, instead of how others see you? How do you deal with that.

    -Sol

  3. Alan Knox says:

    That’s a good question. There was a time, not many years ago, when I served in a certain way… and I was so proud of the name badge that I was given by the showed. It showed everyone that I was somebody. *sigh*

    That feeling still creeps in occasionally.

    I know that it’s hard, but it might be good (and you may have already done this) to ask those friends and family who describe you as “uncaring, annoying, etc.” what you have done to come across that way. Listen to them. Don’t give reasons or excuses or explanations. Simply listen to them, and thank them for telling you. Then meditate and pray about what they said.

    -Alan

  4. Javetta says:

    This post seems to define how I’ve been feeling lately although I have not been able to put these feelings into words. In addition to what you stated above, not only do I feel incompetent in my ability to love like Jesus loves, I feel so frustrated with the fact that I don’t recieve that love from others either. For that reason, I shy away from others and have become cynical about developing relationships. And I don’t like that at all. Ugh.

    • Javetta,

      Thanks for the comment. I kind of helps to see that I’m not crazy, or at least that if I’m crazy, I have some company.

      I’ve just started reading “He Loves Me”, a book by Wayne Jacobsen. Maybe it will help. You can download it for free here: (http://heartofwisdom.com/blog/3-free-books-by-wayne-jacobsen/)

      One thing about finally starting to understand the love God has for me (though somewhat discouraging for some reason), is that I see the proof that Jesus is God. No man can love like that. That is kind of a relief, I guess. I also guess that we need to make our relationship with God more real. No one will ever be able to love me perfectly like I desperately desire, but God does. I don’t pretend to understand that yet, nor can I really feel it yet, but knowing it is available really has lightened the despair to some degree.

      And it gives me something to talk to God about.

  5. Pingback: Depression? | Looking For Church

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